livemylifeforme

2012-02-06T11:59:00.000-08:00

我们真的长大了

It's scary and surreal to think how the childhood years are gone already. How we're gonna be 20 already. Going to uni now, going to live independently, going to train to become the doctor I've always dreamed of become. When we were younger we always thought about growing up and the limitless possibilities and we were so excited. Now it's here it's actually kind of daunting and I guess no one can help looking back at the younger days with sad wistful eyes. But I know there's no point looking back. We had our fun and now it's time to grow up and be adult-like. And besides all the burdens and stresses of becoming/being an adult, I think we just need to remember to have fun and indulge in love & life :)

Still, before the adult years are finally upon us, there are these final schooling years :) We need to make the most out of it, and leave with no regrets ~

2012-02-01T11:55:00.001-08:00

Today was my last wednesday family day in Singapore, having meals and trolling orchard road with parents. Had starbucks with Dad and we talked about studying overseas, about Monash medicine, about life. Felt awesome. There's nothing I'll miss more than my parents. Nothing.

But that aside, I'm finally finally feeling just that little bit hyped up about going to Monash for the first time. I guess talking to my dad had a lot to do with it. I love talking to my dad about anything and everything :)

I guess it's all a little overwhelming but it's starting to become exciting too. Many more 'last times' ahead this week, last time hanging out with friends, last saturday night skating session, last time walking home by the lake under the stars and pine trees. I'll miss this place incredibly. But after that, many more 'first times' to come too. I keep trying to remember what Shanghai said, to not let my personal happiness get in the way of the prospective happiness. The past 19.5 years of my life have been crazy; the people inside it have made it awesome beyond words. Those memories can never be replaced. But I know this new chapter will be amazing, too.

It will be amazing. I just know it already.

As I wrote that, something just clicked. Just felt into place. I think I am a complete sucker for self-fulfilling prophecies, if this even counts.

2012-01-24T09:03:00.000-08:00

I started telling myself 'I'm gonna leave' instead of 'I don't wanna leave'. I started accepting that I'm leaving this place. Started accepting moving on - from here to there, forgetting some people and keeping others as close to the heart as humanly possible. Accepting how some affinities would end, how some things I have to let go.

It doesn't make sense to spend so much energy holding on to all the things I have here when there's so much waiting over there. This is it. It's what I've been slogging so hard for for so many years, isn't it? Finally getting to study medicine in Australia - what I wanted from the start and forgot I wanted amidst all the drama with NUS. I should be happier. I should be excited about this. I'm pretty sure not everyone is so melodramatic about going overseas to study so I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I haven't done a single thing that I have to.

I'll miss here so much. And everyone who loves me so well and unconditionally.

2012-01-15T17:07:00.000-08:00

Without the email reminder that I had a pre-departure briefing tomorrow, I would have completely forgotten the cocktail reception for Monash med students tonight. Only because I'm too damn in love and caught up with my life here right now. And I wish I could feel more excited about the reception/briefing/meeting my new life. But it just feels like another milestone has marked the nearing of my departure. I've not even given a single thought to packing yet. I know I already had an epiphany about the personal vs prospective happiness theory. But the execution is a little elusive :( I really really don't wanna go. I don't even wanna call up all the friends and meet them up because again it just makes going away seem sadder. And the new friends that I'm making right now and becoming more and more attached to... It sucks to have to say goodbye to everything I have here.

2012-01-09T18:18:00.000-08:00

I've been (mostly) floating on a high in the new year.
And I haven't even made any new year resolutions because I haven't had the quiet time to just sit and think since the new year started. But also because I don't even know what to expect (when I go to melbourne) so I don't really know what to resolve to.

But I think... I will resolve to be happy no matter where I am. Like Jen said, to not let my personal happiness get in the way of my prospective happiness, which is something I think makes a lot a lot of sense. Like I guess if we keep holding on to the old happy, new happy could be right in front of us and we wouldnt even know it cuz we'd be too busy regretting having to leave behind the old happy.

And I also resolve to hold on to my idealism even if sometimes it gets so damn exhausting and you feel like you're water against a bloody titanium wall.

And I resolve to love and never forget ALL my family and ALL my friends even if I'm far far away :)))

It's the silliest thing but I'm already looking forward to being back in Singapore in December, even BEFORE I'm in Melbourne. Which I know is not a very good point of view.

(OKAY BACK TO MY USUAL SUBJECT OF UPDATE) I've been skating about three times a week and I love how happy I get on ice and how happy I get when I learn some new thing and how happy I get with all the happy people around there :)))) I wish there was some better way to express how much I love skating here.

2011-12-22T01:20:00.000-08:00

Realized havent been here in too longgg

Back from my one month trip in America. It was amazing, disneyworld and universalstudios and iceskatinginopenrink and newyork and shopping&eating like a crazy girl + many many moments of quiet happy :) the fireworks at disneyland were freaking unbelievable you'd believe wishes do come true and then I really never knew stars could be so pretty. And that skies could be so big. And blue. And happy :)

Bought hell a lot of things there... Mostly winter clothes but I guess the highlight of all my shopping would be my hockey skates ^^ which I love to a fault. Seriously.

When I was there I started missing Singapore like crazy. And I'd never thought I'd call Singapore home but then I realized Singapore is actually pretty awesome. Or maybe it's not Singapore at all. Maybe it's my dad. And my (nothing ever compares) friends. That I miss till I countdown the days till I get back. And that was only a month. And so I start worrying about what happens when I go to Australia. What happens then? You know I'm so perfectly happy these days sometimes the urge to just settle is so strong. I could stay and teach forever, and why not when it's so satisfying. I don't have to go away. Why not settle if what you're settling to is perfectly perfect?

Anyway, complicated and useless (because I know I'll go away anyway) feelings about going away aside, I've been back and I've been back skatingggg :)))) I love x10000000000000 iceskating with my skating buddy so freaking much nothing makes me happier. And I'll miss this happy place really too much.

Met up with YJ and Lyana and then I absolutely love how we three just lie on the bed and wonder out loud about life and love and everything else.

What do I do when I go away :(

2011-11-11T07:26:00.000-08:00

PERFECT HAPPY DAY I'M SO FILLED WITH INNER PEACE AND QUIET JOY.

Loved tomming with YJ and Lyana and how we just sat and ate and drank and talked about anything and everything with no walls and guarded feelings. Love you both so MUCH.

Loved skating today and mastering new thing and feeling like a boss on ice (though I'm really not) (but whatever makes me happy right?) :D Skating friends are amazing and fun and really nice people I am gonna miss this happy place when I go America/Australia. Love knowing each other and playing together just because of our common interest and in the rink it really doesn't matter what age you are or where you come from. All that matters is the love for skating that everyone shares and everyone just has fun together. Iluvvvvvvitttttt a lot a lot. Will Australia have such nice people too? :(

Loved walking home next to the lake under the bright bright moon and brilliant stars and wondering how it really doesnt get much more perfect than this. I'm thankful for every blessed moment I'm taking right now and absorbing them and keeping them with me as a talisman against every hard and difficult moment I'll be going through in Med school. It's like a buffer. Against all the potential shit and unhappiness.

Read my diary last night and read through all the major milestones in my life since J1. I think JC really changed me into the person I am today. The ride was awesome and crazy but I know I havent seen nothing yet. And then I read of all the people in my JC life and I miss them really really a lot. And how easy it used to be back then.

Well, moving on.

2011-11-10T08:50:00.000-08:00

Last day of school was yesterday. My form class is amazing. They are so bonded. And happy and bright and have hell a lot of potential and so much ahead of them. Each of them is so special and I really really do want to have more time with them. To know them more and to teach them more and to learn from them more. They are really really an amazing bunch of people. Really a dynamic and united and special class. Really honoured that I got to be their FT for the past 4 months :)

Tomorrow I'm skating!! (Sorry if you thought, finally a blog post without skating in it) Can't wait teehee I'm gonna skate damn long and hard tmr and I WILL learn how to brake. And then Monday night flying to America :D Again, can't wait. Life's so freaking perfect now there really is guilt.

2011-11-07T11:21:00.000-08:00

Went skating again today teehee. Today the cooler was spoilt so there was about 2cm of water on the ice. Like it was freaking scary skating but that also made running more exciting and pushing each other around more fun. Tried and failed learning how to brake today. Trying again on Saturday. Love the skating friends :) They are so much fun and they are so nice to me :)

Every moment on ice has such a dream-like quality. Like the happiness and worry-free mode is so surreal. And I love it to the maximum. I love my happy skating place and I don't wanna leave it for America, let alone Australia.

I don't wanna leave any of the other happy people/places that I have here. They are so inexpressibly precious. Sometimes I feel so full of happy I get guilty and wonder whether there's a limit for a person's happiness. Because I think sometimes I'm exceeding mine and it's wrong or something like that. Sigh I LOVE MY HAPPY PLACES

2011-11-05T10:02:00.001-07:00

No bucks for guessing what I'm gonna blog about ;D

Skating this week was freaking fun. Nothing new. Just freaking fun and happy and all the people there are so nice and awesome and fun to be around. Love making new friends there :)) Maybe gonna be officially converted to hockey skating now hehe. Skated with hockey skates the past two days and then I put on the normal skates and it just felt like crap. And I finally get what Al meant by now he can't live without his hockey skates, even though he started with figure. The feeling of hockey skates is just so different and much much more liberating, now that I'm getting used to it. I go faster and it's smoother and it just feels happier. Especially with the happy music playing in the background and the happy people skating round and round :)

8 MORE DAYS TO AMERICAAAAA I'M GONNA MISS SKATING HERE BUT OMG SKATING ON OPEN RINK IS HOW COOL??? ANDDDDD PLEASE LET IT SNOW AND MAYBE I WILL BUY HOCKEY SKATES WHILE I'M AWAY :)

2011-10-31T18:12:00.001-07:00

You know that feeling when you're thinking of someone, and your chest feels constricted and then you realize you're holding your breath for no good reason? I feel that thinking about ice skating. I fall asleep thinking about skating. I dreamt about it. Wow now I sound like a full-blown retard :(
But 2 more working days till friday!!
But you know the speed is freaking exhilarating. Spinning is mad fun. The people there are so nice. What's not to miss!! BUT IT'S NOVEMBERRRRRR: 14 days till Houston, Orlando, and New York woohoooooo. I really really really really hope the ice freezes in time so that I get to skate on the open lake/rink in Central Park. Omg omg omg thinking about it is making me hyperventilate teehee. CAN YOU IMAGINE??? Skating under a big big sky on a freaking lake surrounded by trees and it may ACTUALLY SNOW?? Freaking fairytale okay. Mine anyway. (still sounding like retard, I know)

Btw Ryan Higa's a genius. Handsome one.

2011-10-29T09:04:00.001-07:00

Ice skating today was crazily fun because it was mostly empty except for the usual Saturday night skaters. So this week I skated a total of uh 2+ 5 + 5 = 12 hours. Freaking freaking lvoe ice skating. :))) And all the fun and nice people there :) I'm even just smiling to myself now cuz I feel so light and cheerful and happy. Saturday night skating is less than three to the power of infinityyy~~~

You know I was wondering if I'd be better off alone. I hate how when you like someone you give that someone to affect your mood so much. I hate how you can't be in control of your own happiness when you're in love. Like right now, if I'm feeling like shit cuz of work or the world or whatever, I'd go skating or swing on the swing or sing out loud loud and everything'd feel better. But when you're in love you hand over those controls to the other person. I guess basically I'm meaning you hand your heart over and I think that kind of sucks and is a little stupid. I mean why would you give someone the power to break you completely. And this thinking is taking me surprise. More like how much I agree with this thinking is taking me by surprise because I'm always waiting and searching for that person and suddenly this. Suddenly it feels like I really won't give my heart away and this is so unlike me I'm confused by the sudden change. I'm supposed to be the hopeless romantic but I think that shit is like. Shit, basically.

I have no idea what just happened to me.

...

I stared and stared at what I wrote and I'm wondering if I just gave up hope on love :(

2011-10-28T08:56:00.001-07:00

I keep listening to the song 'forever and always' and even when I'm not listening to it, those three words somehow keep replaying in my head.

Forever and always,
Through the good and the bad and the ugly.
We'll grow old together, and always remember
Whether rich or for poor or for better
We'll still love each other,
Forever and always.

Is it even possible to find that these days? :(

2011-10-24T17:57:00.000-07:00

I WANNA ICE SKATE I GOT ICE SKATING WITHDRAWAL I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT LAST FRIDAY AND SATURDAY THERE IS THIS PERPETUAL PINING WITHIN ME HELP

(GP tuition lesson quote: Why does the author use no punctuation marks? To suggest a sense of urgency)
(GP tuition lesson quote: Why does the author capitalize the words? To emphasize the point that she really really wants to skate)

2011-10-23T07:29:00.000-07:00

I actually woke up at 7 am this morning and couldnt fall back to sleep cuz I was just too damn hungry. I didnt even know that that could happen to me. It was the first time ever that food overpowered sleep. Then I figured that it was probably because I only ate 3 rolls of bread and skated for 7 hours and tutored for 2 hours. Probably why. Not ano. Just forgot to eat cuz skating just makes me obsessive like that.

I couldn't stop thinking about skating today :( I can't believe that there are FOUR MORE DAYS of comments and tuition and crap before that blessed time of the week again SIGH.

2011-10-22T17:25:00.000-07:00

I'VE FINISHED MARKING :)))) All that's left for this school term is to key in comments and I'm done hehehehehe

Yesterday I skated for 7 hours (longest session ever) and the day before that I skated 5 hours. I love love love skating and the people there are so so so nice to me :)))) It's like I'm part of the community there already and I can even go behind the counter to help out and stuff now and I love the feeling of belonging there and skating better and better :) Now facing a dilemma between hockey and figure skating cuz both are so fun and awesome but doing both will make me great at none. Tried hockey skates for the first time yesterday. Eddie and Al tried to teach me. I can feel how much faster I'd be able to go so that's kind of exciting but yesterday I also spinned on figure skates and it was damn fun so I don't know which one to choose though it feels like I'd be betraying one set of friends no matter which I choose. Cause I don't think figure skaters like hockey skaters. Vice versa. But really, spinning is damn fun. Maybe when I get fast enough I'll get hooked on hockey skates but right now they're just really painful cuz my ankles are sore and my knees are black and blue :(

It's kinda sad to making so many nice new people right now cuz I get depressed whenever I think about the limited time I have with them. Like the skating friends, the tution friends, the tomntom friends. I make all these friends and have all these happy places and then soon I have to leave them and start over. It really really makes me wanna just stay but I know I can only whine about leaving so many times. Or actually, really a lot more times than that. Sigh.

2011-10-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

MARKING SUCKS I AM FREAKING EXHAUSTED I FORGOT WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO HAVE THAT PERPETUAL WEIGHT BEHIND YOUR EYELIDS. BUT I REALLY REALLY RATHER BE STUDYING BIO. OR CHEM. OR HISTORY. OR WHATEVER ELSE THAT IS ACTUALLY INTELLECTUALLY ENGAGING. LIKE TEMPLE RUNNER. OR NOT.

I wanna go ice skating so badly. I skated so happily last friday but all the happiness leaked away in the disgusting train ride back home, packed like a 7am train at 11 freaking pm, smelling like alcohol and sweat and whatever else. So therefore, I am not rejuvenated and set for the long ardous week like I usually am after a few happy hours of skating.

I know I'm ranting and whining and I'm sorry that you're stuck with this crap instead of some refreshing take on how we should really be grateful and happy and blessed and smiling for all we have. Though we really actually should. I should. Sigh.

2011-10-09T19:12:00.000-07:00

I was gonna start ranting about work and then I realized my job is actually pretty awesome. I think the humans teachers here are damn nice and they take care of me a lot and the secones are freaking lovable (most of the times) and I miss teaching my students actually. Marking sucks. Marking is boring and tedious and painful. But I really did get to know a lot of amazing people so I'm thankful for that :)

Also, being exposed to the 'outside world' after being in a freaking greenhouse all my life has taught me the value of my friends. Which is, really very valuable. I think I'm also lucky to have realized how amazing my friends are this early. Some people don't get to realize how much they have until they lose it; some people wait till they are middle-aged to realize they once had the best friends ever but they fell out of touch, because they didnt know better how precious that friendship was, and that they had to keep it safe. And so they look back and they're wistful because it's almost impossible to get it back. You see it everywhere, real-life or not.

But I'm lucky cuz I get to realize NOW that I'm probably never ever gonna find friends as good as I have right now. Friends who would know and love me the crazy retarded way that I am. Therefore, I am gonna treasure these friendships and keep them safe no matter how many miles away I am from them.

(And yes I really really know I need to stop emo-ing about going away to study. Freaking pre-mature. Probably I'm gonna be a basket case when the time comes to really go away, sigh)

Btw, I love ice skating x a million

2011-10-01T09:22:00.001-07:00

It feels like it's been a long long time since I've last blogged and I've be incredibly busy I'm exhausted but also happy. Teaching and marking and making teaching materials despite being sick for the past week has been freaking tiring but also oddly satisfying, cuz I know I'm helping. And I think I really will miss all of my classes now that the last class has been taught :(

Work aside, I've been skating (of course) and (of course) I must again profess my growing love for it. Now, it's like even when I think about how I feel when I skate, I de-stress. Love skating :))) And Lyana and YJ and Crazy, Stupid Love which is such a cute and sweet movie with Ryan Gosling being freaking cute as Jacob which is such a perfect name hehe. Today has been the first time in a LONG LONG time I had a day spent just PURELY hanging out with friends. Also met up with Shanghai, which was really really nice :) Really.

All this teaching and moving on with life and whatnot's got me missing JC like mad. I miss JC. I miss JC life, I miss the people in that life. I miss my juniors like mad, cuz I used to see them everyday and now I hardly do :( And I worry about them and their prelims and their levels because it's such an insanely crazy period to go through. It's almost hard to believe that it's been a year since it was my time. WHERE did the entire year go???

Suddenly I'm closer to Feb than ever with the teaching term ending. Soon I'll be going to US for my one month holiday (YESSSSSSSSSSS) and then soon after that I'll be going to Australia. For a long time. Suddenly I'm not so sure I want to leave when my parents are here, when the most amazing friends are here. Sigh now I'm getting destressed.

Seriously, why would de-stress and destress sound exactly the same and mean two opposite things? I should just stay and teach and be a teacher forever. I think.

2011-09-08T07:49:00.000-07:00

I guess the only worse thing than seeing the old waste away is seeing the youth waste away. I think there's actually nothing to be proud of, graduating from a good school, or having nice things. It's all just like winning some lottery. Like a lottery of birth. Like we're just lucky we're born with so much privileges. We could have easily been the intellectually-disabled guy I saw working at Subway today, clearing trays and cleaning tables, something he's probably gonna do for a very long time. Day after day. Or the starving african kid, or the slumdog indian kid. But we're we, by some crazy stroke of luck. We're gonna go uni, we're gonna study what we want, be what we want, have a chance to chase our dreams, have limitless opportunities to live life. We have so so much, have the power to make a change for them. And simply because we can, simply because we should be thankful for all we are, because we're all human, we have to empathize and we have to help them.

I know it's like spewing some altruistic crap, all that I've written up there. But I was sitting in Subway marking scripts today, and the intellectually-disabled guy was my age and so conscientiously wiping the tables, and I think of the difference, and I get so angry and I think of how it's really just chance and pure luck that I'm me and he's him and then I think that that's why I have to do something for someone in my life. And like this sounds so dumb, but I hope whoever reads this will too.

2011-09-02T09:13:00.000-07:00

Protect the Boss is the sweetest sweetest sweetest sweetest SWEETEST CUTEST show I've ever watched. So much so that my toes will curl :))) Really freaking sweet hehehe

School hols are here but I guess it's not really a hol since I have 11 classes of stuff to mark. 11 classes of 35 students. Which is by ANY and EVERY means freaking a lot. Sigh :( At least I got skating. I love skating skating is so exhilarating I will occasionally grin to myself when I'm skating :)

My life is gettting monotonous but still not sick of it yet. Too busy to be sick of it haha

2011-08-27T06:40:00.000-07:00

Time is passing too fast with school. It's as if it was just yesterday I was dreading monday and it's saturday already. I think I'll really miss (most of) my classes when the year ends. And then yesterday I went skating and it feels like I just posted about loving skating and I'm doing it again. But really, it's so fun I skated three hours straight. Skating alone really gives the best feeling :))) I wish I could book the entire rink and then have absolutely NO ONE around and just skate for hours, singing out loud and trying new stuff and daring to fall without anyone running blades over my fingers. Better yet I wish I could skate on a frozen lake in the middle of nowhere where no one knows but me.

Actually if what I wrote here actually counted for something, anything, then I wish that people will be kind and generous and that inequality will be alleviated sigh.

2011-08-22T07:37:00.000-07:00

Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart -
Like why we're here,
Where do we go and how come it's so hard.
It's not always easy as
Sometimes life can be decieving.
I'll tell you one thing it's
Always better when we're together :)

2011-08-19T23:43:00.000-07:00

Really crazy about skating. Skating after more than a week of not skating made me freaking high and happy :)) And I'm getting better hehe. Favourite music + skating = best time ever :))

Bumped into Sng Zheng at the train station after skating and we took the train so that made me happy too so today is a happy saturday even though I'm about to start tuition for a few hours

2011-08-13T06:45:00.001-07:00

I guess the only (and obvious) shortcoming of work is that I can't find enough time to spend with my family and friends :( It's a saturday and I had 6 hours of tuition and tomorrow I have tuition AGAIN and I have to mark scripts for school :( and because sometimes some people don't understand the concept of 'just friends' I can't even go skating anymore :(((((( My life is officially all work and no play i.e. sad.

Okay I will not be self-absorbed and I will find and enjoy satisfaction in teaching :) And I will also raise funds for needy cancer patients since I have contacts at NCC :)

2011-08-09T23:53:00.000-07:00

Everyone's starting uni now :( And my own life is adopting it's own interesting pattern. Working; Earning money and almost having fun at the same time. Coming back home with (almost always) nothing to do except to relax and enjoy my speakers. And then tutoring, which is extremely satisfying for me. And then weekend comes and I go ice skating which is the biggest highlight of the week of course :) I can feel my life changing, already. Like I'm entering young adult life. More responsibilities, more independence. And I do miss being a kid (okay fine, in many ways I am still a kid ^^), but this is kind of exciting too :)

2011-08-07T06:46:00.001-07:00

I LOVE ICE SKATING. I LOVE ICE SKATING. I LOVE ICE SKATING. I LOVE ICE SKATING. I LOVE ICE SKATING. I LOVE ICE SKATING. I LOVE ICE SKATING. I LOVE ICE SKATING. I LOVE ICE SKATING.

2011-08-05T22:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday one of my classes, with whom I only had one class with, gave me a birthday card. Really freaking sweet. So far the teaching experience at rg has been amazing the girls are really (mostly) the best :) so much so that I'd even considered teaching as a permanent career. Briefly, but still. It's saying a lot considering how hell-bent I've been on Medicine for the past ever.

And then I got my present from my godparents in America and I was writing in my diary about everything and it's just been such a perfect birthday. Even my brother called me from Melbourne. So I'm so filled with love and happy :)))

2011-08-03T08:18:00.000-07:00

I've been spending days in a daze just thinking about all the happy days and special people in my life, and being so so thankful. Sometimes I get irritated with words because I can't say 'so' or 'very' or 'really' enough times to express myself without getting annoying. But yeah, I'm really very so thankful, lol.

RACO was a happy experience I'm glad I joined because RACO ZH was really fun and I got to play zhonghu with SZ one more time and I got to know Wesley more and Xiaole. And playing music with brilliant people is just an amazing feeling :))) Thank you Lyana and D and Wenyi, Yifei, Claudia, Weiqian, Yizuo and Eusebio for coming down to support and for cheering so loudly for me. You all are the best really really.

Thank you C for a happy quiet time at Raindrops Cafe and my first precious moment. Thank you Lyana and YJ for a WILD BIRTHDAY at the Zoo and the Polaroid which I secretly wanted but never told anyone, so thank you for knowing exactly the kindof thing I'd love, thank you for loving me the way I am ^^ Thank you juniors-cum-friends for the birthday surprise today, for the freaking nice card and all the well-wishes inside, for forever being my warm + happy place. Thank you D for coming to support me RACO and giving me DOTAPOKE which you already know I like so much because of the polkadots x) Andddd thankful for my parents who are like the best ever and also thank you for the dream speakers hehe.

I love all of you so, so much.

2011-07-24T07:11:00.000-07:00

Celebrated birthday with my family today so I'm so happy now :) My parents bought me my dream speakers and I've been dreamily listening to music, the way it's supposed to be heard. It's like crazy nice. All the voices and melodies and harmonies sound like 10 times nicer and if I didnt have a job or neighbours I'd listen to music all night long and sing loud loud and dance everywhere.

And then I remembered this is the last time I'm spending my birthday in Singapore for the next 5 years at least. And it's just kind of sad. Way too early to be sad I know but at least I'd remember to cherish all these moments more, give more love while I'm still here. I remember some show said there are two kinds of happiness. The first kind, you feel it in the moment. The second, you feel it in retrospect. Of the two the first is the more precious. Significantly more. And I'm feeling it as strongly as I can.

2011-07-23T21:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it randomly hits me how I'm about to leave everything behind soon. Maybe not so soon. But it feels like it's soon. Sometimes when I'm walking home it suddenly hits me how this time next year I won't be walking this road I love so much home. And yesterday when I was in school it hit me how it's kind of the last time I'm spending time with my juniors, for maybe ever. Of course I cant wait to go and chase my dream and everything. Plus I love Australia. But we keep on thinking it's our time to fly and then forget all the goodbyes we have to say. Sigh.

With someone you're leaving soon, do you spend as much time together or do you stay away to get accustomed to being away?

2011-07-18T06:11:00.000-07:00

YAY OFFER FROM MONASH MEDICINE :))))
Hahaha Monash > Queensland only because the nearest rink to Monash is THREE KM (!!!) away, while the nearest rink to Queensland is 10km away. Haha what a good deal breaker right? But seriously, I can already imagine studying in school until my brain's saturated and then cycling to the rink to iceskate all my stress away! :) So exciting :)))

2011-07-17T07:15:00.000-07:00

First week of teaching at rg ended with raco prac on saturday and skating today :) I know I say this too much but I really, really, am in love with skating. The feeling is exhilarating and so addictive I miss the rink right after I leave it. And walking makes me sad, like I've just been pulled down from an amazing high. Haha maybe too dramatic. BUT ILUVIT. And getting to play zhonghu with SZ again makes me happy :}

Happy Birthday Wenyi and Shiyun, thank you for some of the best times I've ever had and I'm so thankful for the friend I've found and know I'll keep forever in each of you. Love so much. :)

2011-07-05T06:34:00.001-07:00

When we were young, why were we always taught that we have to play fair, that we must be fair, that we must share - and then spend the rest of our lives discovering and learning and (trying so hard) accepting that life isnt fair? That it's like the furthest thing from fair, that millions of people die because it doesnt pay to keep them alive but ohwell that's life. That people who have inconcievably much and people who have less than nothing can share a planet, a country. :(

2011-06-26T01:56:00.000-07:00

This week has been exhausting with my new job (where I do weights for 8 hours non-stop) and raco prac being like shit and then I went skating and everything became perfect and everything un-perfect becomes unimportant. With every saturday I go skating, I fall more and more in love with it. It's kind of like the only thing I look forward to now. It's the best feeling. I love skating so muchhhhh :DDD

Interview for medicine at Monash this wednesday. And another week of work. And then a full day of raco prac till night. and that means NO MORE SATURDAY SKATING DDDD:

Working at the cancer centre has done nothing but consolidated my desire to become a freaking good doctor. Like the best doctor. So that I can do the best for the people who need help.

2011-06-15T11:35:00.000-07:00

watching the lunar eclipse now, it's so cool, and we're so small and insignificant when you think woah that's the earth's shadow and that's the moon and we're here. insignificantly here. can you imagine all the hell and heaven that the billions of people on earth go through, it's practically nothing. or rather, relatively nothing. and yet it's absolutely everything to each of us. why is it so ironic? why do we try so hard, go through so much, as individuals but the world's so unaffected? I guess that's a good thing, because no matter what shit happens today, tomorrow will still come :)

on a lighter and less rubbish note, eclipse reminds me of the book Eclipse and the crazy crush I had on edward and jake :) today I found a bunch of new recipes I'm dying to try out but sigh ingredients are so expensive :(

2011-06-13T07:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Emma,

Those two words, 'Dear Emma' take me away to another time when we used to write to each other after mom and dad died. I used to tell you about my new friends and my new life. And you used to tell me about the grand time my mom and dad were having in heaven. Truth is nothing. What you believe to be true is everything. And the main thing that I used to believe was that I would be with you forever. Forever. The reason it is taking me so long to write you is that I have seen that I have been a fool. I have spent my life fooling myself. Every letter I've ever written to you has been a love letter. How could they have been anything else? I can see now that all of them, except this one, were bad love letters. Bad love letters beg for love back. Good love letters ask for nothing. This, I'm pleased to announce, is my first good love letter to you. Because there is nothing more for you to do. You've already done everything. I have enough of you in my head to last forever. So please, dont ever worry about me. I'm peachy! I really am. I have everything. If I had one wish, it would be that your life bring you a taste of the happiness that you have brought to me. That you could feel what it's like to love.

Your friend forever, Will

and how can a step away from you be anything but a step in the wrong direction?

2011-06-12T10:23:00.000-07:00

Had a happy weekend and I feel so blissful for feeling like the most blissful girl ever. Saturday night was spent skating alone and learning new stuff and skating alone after years of not skating alone was such a peaceful and familiar feeling :) I love skating; one day I wanna skate like in the outdoors on a frozen lake :D One day I will buy my own skates. And I will buy a bike.

This morning baked chocolate cupcakes with Lyana and then we went to meet Joon and YJ at Pasir Ris park for picnic :))) The scenary was seriously damn nice at carpark C and it didnt even feel like we were in Singapore. YJ brough spaghetti with damn nice sauce, and Joon brough scallops and fish nuggets and it was the best picnic ever :D Or maybe the only picnic I can remember LOL. Then we went to meet huiwen and cycled and bladed until we're tired and sweaty and happy and satisfied :) then Lyana and I went to have dinner with Sean and his pretty painted face and insanely long eye-lashes and then we ended the night with \taro/ frozen yoghurt. It tasted damn good :)

Came home and watched Waiting for Forever after reading C's blog, and it is officially my new favourite movie :D:D:D I love how the ending made me cry and smile at the same time. Plus Tom Sturridge's eyes were brilliantly green and smoldering throughout the whole movie, plus crooked grin - that didnt hurt :D:D:D

Im so happy and satisfied and happy :)

2011-06-05T12:51:00.000-07:00

Spent tonight watching Burlesque, Tangled, and Hachi. Tangled was super cute and Hachi was ... It made me bawl. As in seriously bawl out loud in front of my laptop. Hachi was born in Odate Japan in 1923. When his master died, Hachi returned to the shibuya train station the next day and for the next nine years to wait. Freaking freaking freaking sad now. FREAKING SAD.

'They taught me the meaning of loyalty,
that you should never forget anyone that you loved.'

2011-06-03T15:33:00.000-07:00

0630 am haha and I baked again at 4am. Baked carrot and prune cake which (I know self praise is no praise BUT) TASTES DAMN GOOD :DDD I was surprised at how good it tastes, it's not too sweet and moist and just damn nice :D Omg I love baking I love how I smell after baking I love the instant satisfaction (Y) I want to bring a slice for everyone I love but today I will settle for my family and Lyana. I think I'll bake again over the weekend and go visit Ben and Lynette and other teachers yay :D

I guess I gotta find something meaningful to do with my time from now till whenever. But, thankfully, I'm not sick of doing nothing yet ;)

2011-06-01T15:59:00.000-07:00

it's 7am now it's been a long time since I've been awake at this time. Baked cupcakes at 4am I think I've gone kind of insane but, in my defence, it was fun and I was bored and wide awake. And baking's satisfying. Experimented by substituting some sugar with honey and folded chopped apricots into the vanilla batter. And it tastes good yay :D I think cupcakes are fun to play with ^^

It's one of those mornings I feel at peace with myself and the world. Then again, I think it might be because I'm too tired to feel anything but peace lol. But everytime I remember the words 'whether or not it's clear to you, the universe is unfolding as it should', I can't help but feel anything but peace. I'm thankful for these moments. I think they keep me sane. And happy. I think cooking/baking is generally a happy thing. :D

Thank you C for being a person I can trust and love, always have and always will. Thank you Lyana and YJ, for understanding and loving me. Thank you Wenyi, Sng Zheng, Shiyun, Yifei, Claudia, Yizuo, Yiheng for forever being my happy place. Thank you Chuan Dewei for being MY BUDDY. I think having you all and my family's a pure blessing :)))

I think I'm losing grip on my ideals but I know I'll make it anywhere away from here. I know it.

2011-05-31T10:37:00.000-07:00

I hate how my feeling are always in overdrive. I hate how I'm such an extreme person. Why can't I be moderate and passive and stable? I hate vascillating from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other. I hate having expectations and being let down over and over and over. and over. I hate how much I love and care and end up realizing I've given more than I actually could afford. I hate being self-absorbed. I hate self-absorbed posts but I'm going to induldge myself in one, anyway. I hate that the world is so unfair, so unfair, but we just have to deal with it. There are just those days you ask yourself what the hell have I been fighting so hard for? What is the bloody point?

I know what's the point, I know what I've been fighting so hard for. But why is it so hard to win? I'm not wanting for anything wrong... I've tried hard enough that I know without a doubt I've tried my best. And when your best isn't good enough it's just heartbreaking and exhausting. I'm irritated with all this self-indulgence - like what the shit, just suck it up right? Life's like that.

I swear I hate those 3 words. As if it made shit more acceptable, more tolerable. As if it were any explanation or justification for all that's screwed up. All it does is delineate your own helplessness. Life's like that. So what you gonna do about it?

2011-05-28T11:08:00.000-07:00

You guys made one of the worse times in my life one of the best. I cannot tell you all how thankful I am for you guys. :))))In the past 3 days I went from the worst day of the year to the best day of the year. What will I do without you all from now on :(

I'm so so tired tonight I barely slept last night cuz it was *freezing*. So I'm hoping this feeling of not wanting to fight anymore, of the path of least resistance catching up with me... I really hope it's restricted to tonight's sleep-deprived state of mind. You know when you give all you've got to something, you give that something the power to break you completely. You make yourself vulnerable. But in the end, you've got to be able to say you've done your best. Otherwise, you won't be broken but you won't be anything much either. Probably you'd be something less than broken.

2011-05-26T09:36:00.001-07:00

Today was a fairytale. I woke up in the worst mood possible, felt incredibly right at the bottom. And right now I'm on a high that I can't bear to break out of.

Today was amazing. It feels like days and days ago that I was heart-broken. The times we spent together today, the music you guys made, the music we made together are more precious to me than any of you can ever know. Wenyi, Claudia, Yifei, Weiqian, Yizuo, Sng Zheng, Yiheng - you guys are fantastic. I can't even begin to tell you how much I love you all. I miss you all already. If never thought I could bear to be around people when that happened, but you guys just are my personal sunshines. I mean it so much.

D, you know without me saying that I could never have survived last night without you. You've been such an inexpressable comfort to me. I realize that, despite all the shit we've been through the past four years, you've always been there for me when I needed someone there. And more than that, you've always been the one I could let in, you've always made it better when everything was at its worst.

and you. You're unbelievable. How can you make me so happy with just a look and a smile? Today was a fairytale because of you. And I don't care if I'm the most retarded person in the world for feeling this way, still.

2011-05-20T08:29:00.000-07:00

TODAY'S SUCH A HAPPY DAY
prac felt good; after prac, holding hands with wenyi and looking at the stars and swinging our hands between us and singing xing1 qing2 was a happy, quiet moment. so precious. these people and the music = my happy place. ILYall

2011-05-18T08:09:00.000-07:00

today walking home at 2230 and the moon was so brilliant in the dark blue sky and it was illuminating the clouds (which looked stunning) orange. and then there were stars and then there was the silhouette of pine trees against dark blue and the smell of fresh and it was just such a nice feeling even though I'm freaking tired.
I love being happy even though I'm tired.

200th post, I will dedicate this to all the people who've been with me till now, who've stuck by me even though I'm sometimes (?) insane. And you all should know I'll always stand by you too, always and no matter what :)

2011-05-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

still waiting for med results and still hoping and still hoping and still hoping and still wanting like crazy. it's crazy that the big blue beautiful sky and this mad complicated world lie side by side, and the sky is so unbothered and untouched and the world is too caught up.

went back to school 4 weekdays this week - it's crazy tiring to travel from home to school and school to home; it takes like 3 hours to and fro and 5 dollars it's insane. it's worth it though, I think, just to be able to play the same music with my juniors again, laugh together about stupid things. But. it's almost selfish to be there just because I like to be there. I'm not helping.

anyway. with you, I'm always amazed. I should be knowing better than to keep letting you take my breath away. But I guess I don't. I should have given up on you by now but I still believe in you. that just makes me think that I have so much faith in you, in people, that it's stupid. But faith's stupid that way because it's not and can never be justified. And, like for rest of the people I love, I don't need any justification when it comes to caring about you.

2011-05-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night. The dream was so incredibly REAL. In the dream, I asked wenyi if I was dreaming and she said I wasnt; I even made sure several times that I wasnt dreaming. And I was so so happy even though the dream was technically a nightmare. And then I woke up.

And then today I went back to rjco for concert prac. So for the first time in a long time, going back didnt make me happy and now I'm here brooding moodily in front of my laptop when there are a bunch of stuff I'm supposed to be doing. And thinking about med results... I'm so scared.

I've been trying to be where you are but now it just seems that you're too bloody far. It's almost like the harder I try the further you are and I'm too tired to keep holding on. I need you to give me something to hold on to but you won't because I'm the least of your concerns and I get that.
I don't even know what makes me still care so much. I'm so tired of spending so much on you but even when I'm thinking that, I figure there's no way for me to let go. It's like premeditation - I know this is going nowhere but I'm gonna walk this road anyway until I can't anymore. It's also like you're already family and there's no way for me to not care about you as much as it's one way. It's the strangest thing. And I think about everything else and that dream and I realize it's only ever just a dream. So wishful on my part.

I can't keep up and I can't walk away.

2011-05-10T04:33:00.000-07:00

Woke at 9 yesterday when I was supposed to wake at 7 to go buy unsalted butter and ended up using salted butter for cupcakes but I guess it turned out okay. I got so pissed off at 11am when I was supposed to be at SCH already and I was still at home sweating because the cupcakes wouldnt bloody cook. Flew downstairs and flagged a cab in 2 seconds and was bugging the cab to drive faster all the way and got to SCH at 11.25 (which is amazing, actually) and all my irritation dissolved immediately seeing my juniors :) whom I'm so proud of. Sng Zheng and Yiheng for putting so incredibly much into CO and everyone else who worked enough to make this happen for all of them... It's like my pride just to know them :)

2011-05-04T12:47:00.000-07:00

Can't believe how much I grinned at my laptop screen watching Crazy Love @ DBSK 3rd ATM. Sigh they are SO amazing and it's almost physically impossible for me NOT to smile watching them. I'm supposed to be studying but music makes me happy ^ ^

I'm scared for how everything will change in this week or two. Everything changes with such finality it's scary. It feels like something's closing in. Well, something IS closing in but you know. I realize now how it's either Singapore med or I kind of have to leave Singapore and even that is not for sure. My future is so damn uncertain sometimes, like now, reading all my previous posts, I wonder how the hell I can be so blissfully ignorant of it all and just living happily in the moment. Maybe that's a good thing, idk, but I never pegged myself for the reckless sort. Sigh I feel so irresponsible for not taking the ISAT test more seriously now :( I hate not knowing. But then again, I only want to know if it's good news. Please. Please please please please please please please please let it be good news.

2011-05-02T09:49:00.001-07:00

Went to Grace's house today for baking party which was mad fun ^^ Baked cinnamon rolls, rasberry swirl vanilla cupcakes and chocolate lava cake - all of which tasted amazing. I think Grace is a baking genius - that's why everything works so perfectly with her around :DDD
I'm floating on such a high I don't know how to get back to the ground for my ISAT test :(

2011-05-01T06:31:00.000-07:00

It's like there's a glow in my heart which is fit to burst because it's so full. Of happy. I wonder what kind of crazy this is. My usual I guess.

2011-05-01T01:35:00.001-07:00

Today is such a lazy and perfect sunday. I woke up in a state of BLISS~~ and just lay in bed for almost an hour listening to Christmas Lights on loop and reminiscing about everything and feeling so so blessed. (waking up to Chris Martin's voice is nice)

Yesterday had class gathering at Mind's Cafe which was very fun actually and I loved seeing old faces again and board games are just timeless, handsdown. And then after that bought a cake and went to school to surprise celebrate Yifei, Claudia and Eusebio's birthday and gave out XY notes and it was so happy and crazy. I miss being in a CO sigh~~~

2011-04-28T07:27:00.000-07:00

Went to watch rjco's syf rehearsal and then went back to school with them, being with them always makes me happy. Always. Sigh I miss them so much I miss the crazy before SYFs and concerts and everyone coming together and trying their best together. I love my juniors ttM :D

2011-04-24T10:23:00.001-07:00

I FEEL LIKE SHIT

yay optimism

2011-04-23T09:10:00.001-07:00

Too many different kinds of pain in one night. Just - too freaking many. People I've loved and then lost - probably forever. And friends I thought who were. And then so much was wasted.

2011-04-23T07:43:00.001-07:00

I love ice skating ~~~~~~
and I wonder if this thing I have for skaters will ever fade away hehe
OR maybe - BECAUSE I love ice skating, it follows that I admire people who can skate :DDD
Skating again while admiring (?) hockey skaters felt so nostalgic so strongly. So. Strongly. The only thing missing/different would just be the smell of the ice rink that used to stick to my clothes for days after skating for hours. Everything else from the shaved ice to the crazy high felt exactly the same. I remember those weeks in the June/Dec holidays where all I do during the week is look forward to Saturday. I feel like 4 years younger. I feel like all the years that passed somehow didn't because I didn't mature AT ALL. And I'm not actually complaining hehe.

I wonder if it's true that the people you think the most highly of let you down. Maybe it'd be your own fault that you expect too much of them. But I mean, come on, it'd suck to have to think the worst of people right?

I guess even if they let you down, you love them anyway because that's what friends do. Guess maybe that's how you handle it.

2011-04-18T17:14:00.001-07:00

The (great) thing about not listening to Jay Chou (or any other music, for that matter) for such a long time is that, when you hear it again, you get to love it as much as you first did :) My life is so weird now, sleeping days and living nights - but I like. The quiet at night.

2011-04-17T17:24:00.000-07:00

you know something's wrong (or right) when you're singing sad songs and smiling subconsciously at the same time :)

2011-04-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

Just watched nonstop episode of Bones, I love how Booth told Brennan so casually over a lunch table 'I'd die for you, I'd kill for you, I'd do anything for you, but I won't get between two best friends'. I love how he said it so casually but then you know he means it - all parts of it. I wonder what it's like to have a guy willing to die for you. Kind of scary? I love their chemistry sigh~ I remember my brother saying I was weird for spending all my time watching Grey's and Bones and Criminal Minds instead of stuff like Glee and How I Met Your Mother and Gossip Girl. Oh well.

2011-04-14T07:52:00.000-07:00

Maybe happiness didn't need to be about the big, sweeping circumstances, about having everything in your life in place. Maybe it was about stringing together a bunch fo small pleasures. Wearing slippers and watching the Miss Universe contest. Eating a brownie with vanilla ice cream. Getting to level seven in Dragon Slayer and knowing there were 20 levels to go. Maybe happiness was just a matter of the little upticks - the traffic signal that said 'Walk' the second you got there - and the downticks - the itchy tag at the back of your collar - that happened to every person in the course of a day. Maybe everybody had the same allotted measure of happiness within each day.

Maybe it didnt matter if you were a world-famous heartthrob or a painful geek. Maybe it didnt matter if your friend was possibly dying.

Maybe you just got through it. Maybe that was all you could ask for

-The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants

Today I watched the sun rise slowly into the clouds and the sky was nice to me on one of the rarest mornings I'm awake, and was so brilliant blue and wide and high with a warm sun and cool wind. I took the deep jog into the park and around the lake and it's so breathtaking and I sat on the grass (and got a rash afterwards, but whatever) and I wondered how can there be so much people are missing out on, people not even knowing that they're missing out or even caring. How can there be so much beauty out there but we're all stuck in our heads. And I also wondered at how little we are. We're all so caught up in our worries that are the world to us (uni appssssss), but if we take a step back out from ourselves, there's just so much more to life. But the sad part is, that realization or epiphany doesnt last long. And then we're sucked backed into our daily doldrums and frets.

But then somehow. That's what keeps us all going. The mindless worrying, the work, the restlessness and angst, and then a moment of simple, quiet joy. Repeat.

2011-04-08T08:35:00.001-07:00

Think I may have fallen in love with piano again. I love how music sings emotions words cant say (:

2011-04-07T11:43:00.000-07:00

Just a little bit lost; Like C's blogpost title, it's a hard time for dreamers :( So much uncertainty and insecurity, it feels like nothing's concrete anymore. I spent the entire day sleeping only and truly because I couldnt stand the anxiety of being awake. Sometimes, like now, I marvel at how stupid I can be. Even when I have so many things to do, I spend an entire day sleeping. But I really hate this feeling and hate even more that dreams are better than reality. This sucks shit~ I'm beginning to understand how, in Inception, the indian guy said 'this is where they wake up', referring to the bunch of guys sleeping in broad daylight... and it is not good that I am beginning to comprehend that. Sigh life is such a blur of nothing now.

2011-04-01T08:30:00.000-07:00

FUN DAY Met with Lana and YJ to celebrate Lana's birthday :D Started off with ice cream (+ marshmellows whichw as very delicious and sinful). And then Lana went to try on her MAXI DRESS that we bought for her and she looked v.pretty (((: And then we went to Manhattan's Fish Market to eat fish. I think it was an April Fool's joke that they only sold one kind of fish today - so everyone was just eating fish and chips/rice... which tasted surprisingly good. Thennnn went up to the arcade and had old-fashion fun, pri/sec school kind of fun. I loved the feeling so much - forgot what it was like to sweat in an arcade already :D and then playing those beat games along to the song Love So Sweet reminded me of Japan'08 trip, which again, made me very happy. I feel so nostalgic and filled to brim with sweet feelings. And then came home. Broke rules and went to the park for a walk, even though it was already 10+, since i thought I should make a happy day as happy as it can be :) And it was really really nice - the lake looks so pretty at night and the wind somehow managed to be both cooling and warm at the same time, and the look of trees against a black sky looked so stunning; plus the sound of rustling leaves and the smell of sweet flowers. I know it sounds exaggerated and like some scene of a movie/prose of a book, but that was seriously how nice it was. Happy day today :D

2011-03-30T07:20:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LANALOVE Today's such a happy day even for me, I don't even know why. Woke early to bake a surprise birthday cake for lana, then got really irritated in the cab cuz the icing got screwed up, and then I reached Lana's house and then I saw Lana and then all my irritation dissolved haha yay (: We each ate a piece of the cake and it was surprisingly good, even id if I say so myself hee hee. Though I think I will never eat cake again except on special occassions (like today). There's a good reason cakes taste so good, I realized heh. Came home and crashed for a few hours and then went out for dinner with my parents and felt very happy with baked rice and pistachio ice cream. I love wednesdays, we do the same nice and familiar things - after dinner, had fun choosing bread and olives and snacks and other baked goods. It's so routine, but I loved tonight especially for some reason. And then just now, I'm reading an email from a teacher and texting Lana and thinking about all the other \wonderful/ people in my life and feeling so blessed and happy and smiley. (((: It's been such a long time since I felt like this (though I know, what with everything, I should feel like this more often), since level results and applications anxiety and what not. Application anxiety still on, but, you know, under control. Which is good :)

2011-03-26T11:50:00.000-07:00

Nothing new to blog about, only never-ending stuff to do + missing people. I realize I always blog about the same stuff, and also that I worry too much. I should just do more and worry less. I cant believe I'm tired now, at 3am, after having slept 20 hours last night, plus a two hour nap in the evening - something is NOT right.

Tuesday night I baked cookies with Lana and had a lot of fun drawing faces on them ^ ^ But the cookies were a little too sweet but anyway. Went back to school (YAY) on wednesday with them cookies and met with MsNaidu and MrTan and MsLim and MsWee and it felt suprisingly nice, just sitting and talking with teachers. Miss school ttm (as usual). Spent some time with sy and wy but I missed sz :(
Oh, cooked lasagna with handmade pasta yesterday which was fun because I never knew cooking was actually kinda easy, despite the fact that we took three hours... Three hours is not representative of the time spent on cooking b/c it included making the pasta! Anyway, the main thing is that I got to spend time with C :) hehe love you.

Between my attachment, OneWorld, and uni apps I hardly can catch a break. It's the unfamiliar kind of busy. I miss the familiar kind of busy. The kind of busy that you can relish and go to bed feeling satisfaction. Sigh I should just stop holding on to my memories so much. Cannot wait for April to be overrrr. But then again, time is passing by too fast.

2011-03-20T13:10:00.000-07:00

There's this insecurity nagging where my stomach should be growling (haha joke). Like there's something that should be done, like I'm not doing enough to make my dreams come true, like I should be trying harder. But lazy. I should be studying more, working on my essays more, reading widely more. But's it's so.... OK I REALIZED THE PROBLEM. There's no... syllabus. There's no guide now to what you gotta do and writing on, I will confuse myself further so no.
Maybe I'm sadistic so much so that I can never enjoy fully all the things that I have that are worth enjoying. And it's one of those nights I know I'm not alone and still feel lonely. Bloody hell I miss school so much.

2011-03-15T05:57:00.000-07:00

JC was the best days of my life.

2011-03-13T12:05:00.001-07:00

I hate how media coverage is limited to covering where money is. No doubt, pray for Japan. But pray for Yunan too. Pray for Ivory coast too.

Pray for the children dying every 4 seconds, simply because they're too poor to stay alive.

2011-03-12T11:43:00.001-08:00

N/US openhouse experience;
You go to a special buffet dinner because you REALLY want to eat pasta. Like pasta has been all you wanted to eat for so long.
And then you're at the buffet, and the Japanese and Chinese food looks so so good too.
And then they make you jump through hoops to get to the pasta bench; the Jap and Chi benches look so comforting and welcoming and easy. A good second choice, a safe fallback. You could eat Jap and Chinese.

I guess it's how daunting it is. Makes you wanna give up before you even try. Which I know is very stupid. But. (cliche moment) If you're afraid of failure, you'll surely give up. And you can't give up dreams like that.

I love Adam Lambert's Aftermath acoustic.

Take a step before you leap
Into the colours that you seek
You get back what you give away
So don't look back on yesterday
Before you break you have to shed your armour
Take a trip and fall into the glitter
Tell a stranger that they're beautiful
So all you feel is love, love
All you feel is love
Wanna scream out, no more hiding
Don't be afraid of what's inside
Gonna tell you you'll be alright
In the aftermath

2011-03-10T11:18:00.001-08:00

Getting nervous about application. Again. Now that the high (or low) of results has passed (with lots of people to thank in that process, you know who you are)
I don't understand why N/US only allows you to apply ONCE in your entire life. That's pure ridiculous rubbish :( Scared, as usual. Nervous, insecure. But yknow, everyone has their own problems. Somehow it feels everyone's just so damn caught up with themselves you can't even break into their bubble.

I need a holiday :(
Maybe my partial memory problem is getting worse, because I really really wish I was back in school. I don't know how to put it. It was intense, but somehow, easier. Felt safer. Maybe it's the insecurity, having absolutely no idea how it's gonna be here on out. How it's really the start of an entire new chapter, and the familiar days we're leaving behind.
I miss being in rjco 2009/2010. I miss my seniors and my juniors. CO was such a happy haven for me. I guess it's the way I was always taken care of. How we took care of each other. I remember telling wenyi something like don't need to worry about our section hearing what we're saying, cuz zi4 ji3 ren2, and her agreeing. And being able to say that, having that, is just amazing.

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town

2011-03-08T07:51:00.001-08:00

I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are.
And I've been secretly falling apart.
Unseen
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful
You'd be so perfect with me
But you just can't see
You turn every head but you don't see me
I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep when I put a spell on you
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me
Sometimes the last thing you want comes first
Sometimes the first thing you want never comes
But I know that waiting is all you can do
Sometimes

2011-03-06T07:16:00.001-08:00

there should be a law, banning you to feel this way about someone, unless
they felt the same way about you. seriously.
still, you make me happy like no one else and you don't even have to try.

2011-03-05T04:29:00.000-08:00

That's why it's okay at the end of the day

2011-03-02T10:27:00.001-08:00

Once upon a time your eyes said everything
Without a single word.
This time I'm staring into your eyes
Without a single word.
And I no longer
know what I see,
How or why it feels different.

Anyway, I don't wanna freak out or anything, but.

ONE MORE DAY.

I'm having so many thoughts I can't even remember what I think about the night before. I'm thinking about OneWorld and poverty, and reading the news and TIME and *trying* to form opinions, and thinking if my two testimonials are gonna be okay, and what to write for my personal statement and other misc stuff for my portfolio, and thinking about my mom's birthday and what I'm gonna cook/how I'm gonna finish her scarf, and thinking about results and whether I'm gonna apply for PSC, and whether I should do another attachment at NUH and what I'm gonna do with all the other things I have to do when/if I start that attachment, and missing my friends (C, YJ, Lana, Joon) and juniors (WY, SY, SZ) so much.

It isn't even that many things, really. I just gotta have some buffer time.

But cause I'm so *awesome* at planning.

2011-02-28T10:19:00.000-08:00

Can't figure out how so much shit appeared so fast.
Can't get used to the super sudden shift from not a care in the world to a lot of cares.
I hate how I cant even type a self-absorbed post without feeling guilty, complaining about such insignificant things.

Well, it's relative.

Is my only defence,
and this insecurity is eating away at me :(

2011-02-16T12:39:00.001-08:00

YAY ONEWORLD IS TAKING FLIIIIIGHT ^^

2011-02-10T20:09:00.000-08:00

Funny how music can fill me up with so much emotion, emotion that I can't even put to words.
Also how after giving pieces of my heart away, I feel it's much better to just keep them with me, all the while knowing that that's stupid.
Because it's stupid, so stupid, to be cynical about love.
It's all that gets us by, really.

2011-02-08T13:17:00.000-08:00

'
It's not that it doesnt matter:
I do get angry
I do suffer
I do get hurt

But because we have to survive.
We have to live on.
Because life never ends, doesn't stop.
It won't end because I was happy today.
It doesn't stop because I was sad today.

Good things, bad things
They'll eventually come to pass.
And life
goes on.
' - Kim Tak Goo

I cannot describe how much I love this show ^^
And there is nothing more important in this world than the people around you.

2011-01-31T12:06:00.000-08:00

'
You don't have to figure out how you're going to do good for this world.
If you're a good person,
You just will.
', Sean

Like cold water on a blazing headache <3

2011-01-24T10:35:00.001-08:00

So many thoughts but can't figure what to blog about without sounding like crazed emo kid.

And i shouldnt be sounding like crazed emo kid because I dont even have anything to complain about. But this limbo sucks. There are so many things that I want to do and that I have the time to do. But I'm just not getting around doing them and I dont know why and it frustrates me.

I know. Of all the things to complain about, I'm complaining about limbo and lack of self-motivation. Useless.

But there's only one thing that I want to do, which I can't do now, which I don't even know if I'll be able to do it. And I'm scared of wanting it too much. In case I don't get it. In which case I would be crushed. Which is why I'm not devoting every minute to reading medical books and medical ethics and medical science and everything else. Because it's okay if I dont do medicine. There are other ways. Or so I keep telling myself everytime that thought that scares me shitless creeps up.

I want to bake and cook and dance and learn self-defence and tutor and earn money so that I can be a (partially - because there's always the 'higher' conscience) guilt-free shopper who is not spending my dad's hard-earned money on absolutely gorgeous rubbish. SO WHY AM I DOING NOTHING >:(

2011-01-21T08:36:00.000-08:00

there'll be those nights
there are those nights
so many of them

that I wish i had
that one person to call

2011-01-18T08:56:00.000-08:00

SATURDAY
Burlesque with C & D
The movie was super nice - mostly because of the gorgeous guy but also because the singing and choreo was amazing too :))) and I kinda (very much) missed the 3 of us. didnt realize it till then

Iceskating with C & Myke was vvv fun like it always is ;)
Plus met with Stella and her Gerald and they were so sweet together

SUNDAY
SAM with Lyana and YJ was such an eye-opener + so interesting ^^
and then sat at BK playing MONOPOLY DEAL (the funnest game ever)
spending time with the two of them after so long was love :)

MONDAY
East loop (most of it) with Sean and Shanghai was the most tiring yet memorable thing ever I am smiling as I'm typing this.
Reached Sean's house a little before 8 and we went to walk coco which was very fun - just talking and enjoying the sea breeze.
Then we met up with shanghai at arnd 9 plus and they cycled so bldy fast it was exhausting, but in a good way because I havent spent time with them properly in so long too. and then just sitting together by bedok reservoir, enjoying the breeze and the sun (until it started drizzling), listening to music and shanghai hum was the best feeling ever.
But it was also kind of scary cycling so fast (for me, it was fast; for them, it was slow) and i was gripping the handles damn tight the whole time and then I just slept 21 hours straight haha

Life is the best, spending it with all my favourite people :)
Love you all so much

2011-01-08T10:27:00.000-08:00

I miss having someone I could call 24/7
I miss having someone who would listen to everything
So patiently
I miss having someone I want to share everything with
Happiness, anger, irritation, sadness
And nothing at all
I miss making you laugh over stupid things I say
I miss being the one who knows you

I miss having someone I could trust
all of myself with
Because someone like that doesn't come along often

I miss you.
So much.

2011-01-02T10:31:00.000-08:00

Stand
Where you are
We let all these moments pass us by

It's amazing where I'm standing
There's a lot we can give
It's just ours
for a moment
There's a lot that we can give

Life is beautiful
But it's complicated we barely make it
We dont need
to understand,
There are miracles, miracles..

Life is beautiful, by Vega 4

2010-12-20T07:25:00.000-08:00

1. I miss my loves alot - I wanna book the entire ice rink and have all the people I love ice skating together with me at the same time for the entire day

2. Uni apps suck like insane shit we should just be able to choose and go to any school we want to and not have to take a. admissions tests b. transatlantic flights (which is the single worst thing anyone can do for the environment) for interviews c. so much bloody stress and disappointment

3. It never does stop, does it?

2010-12-18T04:03:00.001-08:00

I LOVE XMAS SONGS AND THE BLISSFUL FEELING THEY BRING

2010-12-17T02:23:00.000-08:00

I love ice skating
I love you c
& I think love is what makes everything okay even when it really isn't.

2010-12-10T22:29:00.000-08:00

Been spending all my time watching old dramas (I absolutely love old dramas and mike he heehee), lying down doing nothing but listening to music, and sleeping (more than the time I spend awake). Oh and reading (weird but) really nice self-improvement books x)

I love dramas where you know there's gonna be a happily ever after and you're just waiting for it ;) I loveeeee Devil Beside You and Exchange Love even though I reallly hate every & any other taiwanese dramas. I think it's mike's character in both of these shows that's so lovable. I love it when he smiles and when he smirks and when he has no expression and when he's angry and basically everything I think.

I feel like I'm recovering though I never was sick.

2010-12-10T22:15:00.000-08:00

Babe, do you ever feel like our friendship is like an obligation? Like we're nowhere as close as we (or I) always like to say we are?

I feel like I have this super tenuous grip on our friendship that I've held on to with so much strength for so long. I feel like if I dont hold on, the friendship'll disappear.
Because I think I'm just holding on to you.

I cant ever bear to talk to you about it because I can't bear to just lose you. And I won't get tired of holding on because ily.

But I just cant help but wonder (and fear) that our friendship is just me holding on to you.

2010-12-07T16:15:00.000-08:00

This is way too premature, but I miss school, I miss wearing my uniform, I miss tutorials/my homeroom, I miss studying in the library - I miss it all and it's crazy but I do.

How did JC come and go so fast?
How did the best 2 years everyone tells us we get come and go so fast?
How do we end up spending the time complaining and whining and being (reasonably) tired and sick of it all, and then (unreasonably) wishing we could do it all again?
How come life's such that we have to grow up or pay the price of staying exactly the same?
How come there are all these pertinent questions that we never will find the answer to, but will keep asking ourselves over and over our lives?

I can't believe I'm feeling all these now, barely a week after levels just ended. I should be revelling in the freedom and joy or whatever. But I'm suddenly overwhelmed by a need? to figure out what I'm going to do with this life.

I remember reading someplace that we dont always have to know the answers - we just have to know what we are going to do next.
I already miss JC life but right now, at 8am, I am going to jog :)

Don't just find someone who can love you, find someone who can stay loyal to you

2010-12-05T08:15:00.001-08:00

Alevels are finally over and prom is tomorrow and my brother is coming home tomorrow [YAY] :)
Life is so nice and familiar and comfortable now, without the need to fight for anything... I guess it'll get boring after awhile, but just enjoying it for now ;) Enjoying my perfect parents and my perfect friends and everything else that's perfect.
Havent done thankyous in the longest time but I'm really really thankful for my parents cause I couldnt have done anything for the past 12 years without them, and Charlene and YJ and Lyana and Joon cause you guys are the best :)))))

Jaejoong's solos never fail to drive me mad and I'm overwhelmed by this inexplicable heartache because it's so perfect and I can never have him hehehe.
It's so perfect. I dont even know how he does it but he keeps getting better and better :)

You know sometimes you find songs that have music and lyrics that exactly capture how you feel and what you wanna say, except they do it better, and then you go 'THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL' like you just had an epiphany over your own feelings. I love songs like that. Random, but strongly true

CHRISTMAS IS COMINGGGGG & I CAN'T WAIT TO GO ICE SKATING BECAUSE I MISS IT SO MUCHHHHHHH

2010-11-13T07:20:00.000-08:00

maybe we like the pain, because without it, we just wouldn't feel real.
this week has been crazy crazy impossible and possibly the worst week of my life (not to sound self-absorbed)
but somehow it placed everything in perspective. Like how there are a lot more important things in life than exams. Like having the people you love around you, healthy and happy.

sometimes you can plan and plan and plan, and something happens and you have totally no more control over what's going to happen in the next second or minute or day and you're scared shitless but you've just got to face it anyway. you wish so so much you can just go back to sleep or run and escape it all but you can't and it's driving you insane, really really out-of-your-mind insane.
I don't think I've really experienced that truly until this week. I don't think I've grown more than I have this week. I think life is strange. Life has a strange way of unfolding and hurting you. But there are happy moments too. It isn't all pain and grief and you just have to be strong enough to hold out and the happy will come. The pain becomes a part of you just as the joy does. You just absorb everything and you grow and that's life. It just keeps moving and you can't stop, no matter how much you really really really want to just stop. The show must go on.

So what I want to say, I guess, is just this - treasure the people you love every single day and always keep things in perspective.

2010-10-19T09:17:00.000-07:00

If you say jump I'd say how high
If you say run, I'd run and fly
Just for the chance, just for the moment, should the moment pass us by

If you ask once I'd tell you twice
I'd ignore the world's advice
If we could be together for awhile
Cause don't you know that we could be together for awhile

Cause maybe I'm amazed at the way you make it all alright

2010-10-18T09:05:00.000-07:00

In these three weeks I'll study harder and more than I ever did in my life.
I can do this.

Because I have all of you with me and because I have faith in me and because it's all about the climb. It's all about right now. Right now is all that matters.

2010-10-11T07:47:00.001-07:00

I love my family
I love my friends
I love my juniors
I love my life even though I am so @#$%ing tired

(:

2010-09-30T10:01:00.001-07:00

I realized today that there's a life lesson to be learnt from drawing potraits.
If you let your own opinions and perceptions of what the drawing should be like control your hand, then there's no way you'll get the correct picture of the person you're drawing. But if you just see, really really look into every tiny detail, without letting pre-concieved notions of how this angle should go or how that line should end up or how big the eye should be or if there're eyelashes here, then what you get is pretty close to the person you're drawing.
I think that alot of times, we form such strong opinions and impressions (whether good or bad) we forget to look at the person itself. and when we do actually look, there's actually alot to find and it's surprising (again, whether good or bad). Not only just people though. I think this is even more applicable to life itself. There's seriously a whole lot to see (even though we complain in Singapore there's nothing to see) but there is a lot. You just have to see and there's so much to find and marvel at. There's so much to realize (like how the earth is really dying and we probably will really all die and that probably isnt a very bad thing, since we're like cancer for the earth or something, growing and multiplying and metastasizing and outgrowing every other living thing on earth, and eventually killing the host and dying along with it. It's the same, really. Like how humans evolved to dominate the earth through evolution, so do cancer cells in the body. It's depressing to know that we're like cancer for the earth, but I think it's really true. And I know there're so many good people in the world, but like the human race is just kind of weird if you think about it? We have wars and we're killing people (for being of a different race?!?!) and we're killing so many other kinds of life to grow and progress. And we're walking in tight circles on the beach, looking at our feet, as a tsunami races to shore. We're not doing anything about it, and it can't really be blamed. Most people dont know, and even if they knew, how could you expect a person who's struggling from meal to meal or day to day (in other words, most people on this planet) to care about the earth's health's or his future generations' wellbeing, when he might not even have one? I talk so much about how going green is possible in my gp essays when more and more, I dont even think it's truly possible anymore. Not in time to save the earth anyway.)

my post just completely shifted focus from the value of observation to how the earth is gonna die and idk how that happened. or maybe it's cuz of how you can actually observe the earth die. shit.

2010-09-28T21:21:00.000-07:00

Watched wallsteet with Charlene and Myke on Monday and then spent the whole of yesterday shopping and eating with my dbsk :D
I love spending time with friends so much, it's like you can just be yourself completely and let go and not even think of meeting any expectations or fitting some expected model or something. because they love you for exactly who you are and they dont expect anything from you. You can't exactly say the same thing for guys. Spending time with friends is v.rejuvenating and wonderful even though its with the people you see everyday :)

Love friends.

Anyway, prelims are over. 39 days to levels. Can't wait. literally.

2010-09-17T14:50:00.000-07:00

it's weird how though I like yoochun and junsu more, looking at jaejoong since feels like I'm meeting up my old friend after many many years. It shouldnt feel this familiar - I dont even know him, but it's like when I look at him sing today for the first time after a long while, I feel like I found something I lost for a long long time, like I'm remember someone precious I knew, but forgot and suddenly wanted to remember very badly but have nothing to remember (obviously since I dont know jaejoong). It's just so scarily... familiar, like i know him. I know I'm repeating myself, but I'm just trying to explain the weird and inexplicable feelings I just got.
And yepp I do know I just reached a whole new level of stupid, nonsense, and madness.

2010-09-17T11:47:00.001-07:00

Had good old fashioned fun with jun, lana and yj today - it was super :) laughed more than I had in forever
Happy birthday YJ, hope you had as much fun as I did :)

What if I fell in love with you?